So You Find Out Your Teen is Sexually Active

So you find out your teen is sexually active? Now what?

Well you can scream and holler, lecture, ground them, take away all their priveldges, or send them to boot camp? Or you can realize that they are just growing up and that this is the beginning of them becoming young adults. No parents look forward to their children becoming sexually active but it can and does happen regardless of the parental values. So what do you do when you find out?

Assuming your teen knows about safe sex and both the physical and emotional pitfalls that can result from a sexual relationship, there really isn't much more you can do other than remember that they are still the same child that you have raised for all these years and provide them guidance and support in their decision. They are not going to stop having sex just because the parents tell them not to and they will continue to find places to do it.

So I say...let them explore their sexuality, give them their privacy and let them know that sex is and can be a very wonderful experience and is nothing to be ashamed about. Let your child know that sex is a private matter between them and their partners and allow them the freedom and privacy to learn about sex in a healthy and safe environment. Teach them that there is much more to a relationship than sex but also that sex is an important part of a loving and committed relationship. The attitudes our children have about sex in their teen years will be the attitudes they will continue to have as they become adults. Once they become sexually active...we want our teens to know how to be responsible, safe, and develop a healthy outlook on this part of a relationship.

I don't think that any parent would ever encourage their teenagers to have sex, but on the other hand once they take this step we should accept their decision and allow them the ability to explore and discover their sexuality in a positive way.

Talking To Your Teen Daughter About Sex

As our girls grow up we have talked to them in age appropriate terms about their bodies and have had the birds and bees talk. So what do we tell them about sex when they hit the teen years and think they are ready to lose their virginity?

1. Respect: respect for their bodies and themselves. They can only lose their virginity one time.

2. Safety: If they are going to have sex they need to protect themselves. This includes how to put on and take off a condom safely along with the many birth control options available. And also a visit to the gyn or clinic for a discussion with a professional.

3. Independence: The decision to have sex should be a decision they make, not because they are pressured for any reason, but because the relationship has reached that stage where both partners are comfortable in taking the next step.

4. How to say No: Every girl matures at different ages and stages and they need to know how to say no to any or all sexual activities they are not ready for or comfortable with.

5. How to say Yes: Undestanding that sex can be a wonderful thing when they are both physically and emotionally ready.

6. Sex is not bad: They need to understand that sex can be good in the right situation, when both partners are physcially and emotionally mature enough.

7. Intercourse is not the only way to have sex with a partner: There are many other options, including mutual masturbation to experiece sexual pleasure and if a girl is not ready to have intercourse she should be aware of the other options and be willing to let her partner know.

8. Masturbation is healthy and normal: A young girl needs to know that exploration of her own body is a very normal function and is not something that they should ever be ashamed of.

9. Communication: Before having sex with a partner it is important that they both are able to talk with each other about their bodies, their readiness, their fears and their desires and the physcial and emotional consequences.

10. Don't expect fireworks the first time: For most people, the first time, is a learning experience and many times the expectations and anticipation far exceed the initial experience. They need to undesrstand that the first time may not be as wonderful as they thought it would be.

11. The first time should be planned, discussed, and made a very special occassion: They will always remember their first time and as parents we would hope that it is a memorable and mature decision. We do not want them to have sex the first time in the heat of the moment where physical desires override the brain.

12. Allow plenty of time and privacy for the first time: The back seat of the car or the basement with mom and dad upstairs, is not the mature way to lose their virginity. Once the decision is made to have sex, then they need to find a safe place without interuptions or fear of someone hearing them. Planning where and when is just as important as the decision to lose their virginity.

13. If at all possible discuss with mom or dad or a close adult friend or relative the decision to have sex prior to making this decision. This does not always happen and it's understandable, but before they make the decision to become sexually active, it would be best if they felt comfortable enough to talk to someone who has been there before.

14. Being mature enough to be able to talk to their partner: After the first time and even subsequent times, it's important to be able to express to their partner what they like, what they don't like. What feels good, what doesn't and what limits they will place or boundaries that they will accept.

15. Undestanding the consequences: Although sex is wonderful, teens need to be aware that there are consequences. The emotional pain of a breakup with a sexual partner can be devastating and they also need to be aware of the physical consequences of pregnancy or sti's, when the sex is unprotected.

16. Sex is a private matter between two consenting individuals: Sex is not a notch in somebody's belt or a way to show how "grown up" they are to others. It is an intimate experiece that should be mutually shared with a partner in a committed relationship in a private setting.

It's not easy for any of us, regardless of how liberal we might be, when we discover our children have had or are getting ready to have sex. But sex is a natural part of the human makeup and it is our responsibility as parents to guide our children into making rational and mature decisions. I know this does not always happen but we can only hope that it works out that way.

Are Kids More Sexual Today?

There is alot of talk these days about how kids become sexually active younger these days. So I ask do you really think kids today are any different than we were when we were that age?

Obviously the media directed to our youth has much more of an influence today than it did when I was young but I think that may not be entirely bad. Kids today are much better informed about drugs, sex, and drinking than we ever were. When I grew up the word "rubbers" was whispered and today the word "condoms" is used often and not in hushed tones.

Growing up I knew what "rubbers" were and yes there was the pill, but it's not something we talked about. Girls my age were considered trashy if it was known we were having sex, but boys were considered studs. My mom talks about girls that got pregnant in her day, having to go visit their "aunts" for the duration of the pregnancy. And many of us were having sex back then, but there was no sex education in school and we were taught to save ourselves for marriage.

Today many of us have open discussions with our teenagers about sex. Yes, we even talk to our kids about safe sex. Young girls having sex today are not considered the sluts of the world and I think it's safe to say this sterotyping is finally fading from our society. Sure there are still many parents that expect abstinence from their teens but there are more of us today than there were years ago that accept teen sexuality and promote safe sex.

I do not think teens today are really any different than they were when i was growing up, however I think the media has done a better job of educating both teens and parents, and has made sexuality a topic that can be discussed more openly and not in hushed tones. Can you imagine the public reaction if condom ads and birth control ads appeared on TV 20 years ago? And who ever heard the words "erectile dysfunction" back then? Today human sexuality is a topic that can be discussed and our kids are much better informed than we were. Kids aren't having more sex today than we did, it is just more accepted today and our kids are better educated than we ever were.

So instead of blaming the media for teen sexuality, thank the media for making sex a topic that can be discussed openly.

How comfortable are you with your sexually active teen?

One of my mom's groups has a poll asking.."how comfortable are you with your sexually active teen?" The poll gave various choices ranging from no acceptance at all...all the way to under my roof so I know they will be safe and comfortable. As of now there are over 500 votes and the leading vote getter was the "under my roof."

Even as sexually positive as I am, these poll results surprized me, because in my own group of friends my parenting style is in the minority. Sleep overs in my house are a common occurrence and my daughter is in a very committed and loving relationship. But to find that there are so many people in that group that share my views was eye opening.

So I'm trying to figure out why this poll was so much different than I experience with my own group of friends. Could it be because this group attracts more liberal minded moms, or could it be that people can be more open with their views with the annonymity of the internet? I really don't have an answer but I did feel somewhat validated in my parenting style knowing that so many other parents accepted their children's sexual activity to the point that they preferred it was conducted at home in a safe and healthy environment.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this? I just found it very interesting.