How comfortable are you with your sexually active teen?

One of my mom's groups has a poll asking.."how comfortable are you with your sexually active teen?" The poll gave various choices ranging from no acceptance at all...all the way to under my roof so I know they will be safe and comfortable. As of now there are over 500 votes and the leading vote getter was the "under my roof."

Even as sexually positive as I am, these poll results surprized me, because in my own group of friends my parenting style is in the minority. Sleep overs in my house are a common occurrence and my daughter is in a very committed and loving relationship. But to find that there are so many people in that group that share my views was eye opening.

So I'm trying to figure out why this poll was so much different than I experience with my own group of friends. Could it be because this group attracts more liberal minded moms, or could it be that people can be more open with their views with the annonymity of the internet? I really don't have an answer but I did feel somewhat validated in my parenting style knowing that so many other parents accepted their children's sexual activity to the point that they preferred it was conducted at home in a safe and healthy environment.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this? I just found it very interesting.

The Backseat of the Car

An old high school girlfriend was in town for the holidays and we had a chance to catch up over a few drinks. As we were reminiscing over some of our high school episodes she brought up "planters hill" which really wasn't a hill but it's the place everyone "back in the day" went to make out with their boyfriends. Sadly Planters Hill is now a development.

But as we laughed and drank our wine we talked about our exploits in the backseats of our boyfriend's cars and I thought it would be a good subject to blog about. Nooooo I'm not going into the x rated details so if that's what you were looking for you will be disappointed. It does however bring up the subject about teens and how many teens did and still do experience their sexuality.

For many teens, the back seat of the car is really the only place they can have their privacy to engage in intimate relations. Again I'm not advocating that teens have sex, I'm just stating that if teens want to have sex they are going to. But is this where we want our teens to learn about and experience sex? First off it's not a very comfortable environement (unless the teens are gymnasts) and parking in a deserted area is not a very safe place to engage in this type of activity. In addition, having intimate relations while constantly listening for other cars or the noises in the dark, definitely takes much of the romance out of a romantic situation.

Now I'm sure there are some parents that believe that the more uncomfortable the situation is the less likeley the teens will be to have sex. But remembering my jaded past, tells me that the sex will still occur but it will be more of a purely sexual act than a passionate romantic loving encounter.

As I've said before, I have always wanted my girls to understand and experience the beauty of having sex once they were in committed and loving relationships. Anyone that has read any of my posts knows that I don't condone teen sex but I do accept that it will happen, and I want my kids to know that sex can be wonderful, fun, healthy and fulfilling.

So do we want our kids to experience physical intimacy in the backseat of a car or should we allow them their privacy to enjoy and explore their sexuality in a safe and comfortable environment?

Talking to the Other Parents

Having teens involved in a sexual relationship can be traumatic to many parents. Upon discovering this fact about your child, there are a wide range of emotions that many parents go through. Some parents prefer to bury their head in the sand and feel that the less they know the better, while other parents attempt to restrict the relationship and tell their children no you are not allowed to have sex. In my bloggings I talk alot about how I handle and accept this with my daughters. However there is no best way for a parent to handle this situation, because every parent has to deal with this based on their own values and beliefs and parent their kids the best they know how.

But...if you are like me and accept the fact that your child is having sex and you are comfortable with it, then what is your responsibility to the parents of your teens boyfriend or girlfriend's parents? Do you have a responsibility to discuss this with the other parents? I think alot of parents struggle with this decision especially if they do not know the other parents or don't know them well. The worry is always..how will they react? Is it my job to let them know what their child is doing?

I think the answer is not always clear but I do believe that if you believe it is ok to let your child and their partner privacy in your home to engage in these activities or if you believe in allowing the two kids to sleep at your house, then I think it's necessary to have a discussion with the other parents. This is not always easy and can be stressful but it's important that the other parents know how you plan on handling this. So call the other parents and let them know your thoughts and get their thoughts on how they believe this should be handled. And if the other parents are of the mindset that teen sexuality should be stopped or at least is not acceptable to them, then you as the parent need to respect the other parents values. On the other hand some parents may think like I do that teen sex in a loving committed relationship is healthy, and if that's the case then both sets of parents are on the same page.

So the point of all this is that if your teen is involved in a sexual relationship, don't be afraid to talk to the other parents. Parents need to be on the same page when dealing with these types of relationships and it goes along way in minimizing problems in the future.