The Bond of Good Communication

As we raise our children especially when they become teenagers how can we get them to talk to us. I have heard of and know many parents who complain because their teenagers will not open up or have any meaningful discussions with them. It's not uncommon to ask a teenager a question and get only a yes or no response, or even a grunt here and there or even the dreaded "eye roll." Why is it that kids do not want to communicate with parents??

I know I'm not the perfect parent and I may not even be a good parent...but i try and I think that's all we can do as we raise kids...to try our best. So what does Barb think we can do to get our teens to open up, to tell us what's going on in their lives and to discuss issues with us?

1. Never yell, scream or lecture: Doing these things will immediately cause an "ear blockage" from our kids and anything that is said will not be heard or will not be absorbed into their teenage brains. So I say...always keep your cool.
2. Listen, listen, listen: When our kids say something, it is most likely important to them, so listen to them and hear what they have to say and then discuss rationally.
3. When confronted with a difficult situation you do not always have to give an immediate response. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I need to think about this and we will deal with it later." That gives us time to cool down, reflect on the situation, and deal with the issue in a logical and well thought out approach.
4. Be logical: Be willing to explain your reasoning why they can't do something. I have talked before about, honesty, respect and safety and most of the time I can explain an issue to my kids as it relates to those 3 core values. But sometimes don't be afraid to say, I'm your mom and my gut tells me such and such is not a good thing to do. It's ok to say, "I really can't give you a reason other than I'm not comfortable with such and such." Your kids might not like that response but you are being honest. Making up reasons only causes your kids to lose trust in you.
5. Always be honest: If you are honest with your kids you can expect honesty from them in return. If they ask a question, don't blow them off. Deal with whatever it is honestly and truthfully.
6. Remember how you were at their age: As parents we do not want our kids to make the same mistakes we made. But mistakes are part of growing up. Our past mistakes have made us who we are today.
7. Remember they are teenagers: They are at that age where they think they know everything, and they want to be independent. Don't be afraid to let them spread their wings as they mature, but always be there to catch them when they fall. Never say "i told you so."
8. Spend time with your kids: Do the little things, give them your time, your attention, your love and your trust. Kid's don't wake up every morning thinking of things to make parents crazy. Kids want to please their parents.

So all in all what I'm trying to say is good open communication with your kids is probably the most important gift you can give them and they can give us parents. There are no silver bullets, and all we can do is our best.

The Heartbreak of Breaking Up

My daughter's friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 14 months and is devastated. It's tough as parents to see our kids hurt and seeing our children hurt, hurts us many times as much as it hurts our child. I know of some parents who don't want their children to be in sexual relationships or any relationship for that matter, based on the deepness of the hurt if a break up occurs.

Breakups are often times very difficult whether it be with a teen relationship or an adult relationship. When two people fall in love and are committed to each other, it is a wonderful feeling. And when a breakup occurs it can be the worst feeling in the world.

That being said, breakups are part of life. Friendships breakup, families break up, and partners breakup. There is usually a large amount of guilt and grief associated with a breakup and when a break up happens, it's hard to find the strength to get through the days that follow. But most of us have gone through this situation at one time or another.

Dealing with hurt and grief is a part of life which when we look at it objectively makes us much stronger people. It becomes part of the foundation that makes us who we are as people. But as parents we worry about our children being hurt because most of us have been hurt and we know what a terrible feeling it is.

As I talked to my daughter's friend, my words of wisdom, didn't seem to hit home, which is normal, because she is still going through the pain of a breakup. As I told her however, as she looks back on this at some point in the future, she will understand the strenghts and goodness of her relationship and she will also understand how fragile relationships can be. I know it will make her a wiser and stronger person as she gets older, although she can't see that now. And with my daughter, it would pain me tremendously to see her have to go through the hurt of a breakup but if it does happen someday, she will learn that there are no guarantees in life and pain is part of the process of becoming an adult. I don't want to see my daughter hurt, ever, but i want her to grow up to be a strong and independent adult who learns from both the joys in life as well as the pains of life.