So You Find Out Your Teen is Sexually Active

So you find out your teen is sexually active? Now what?

Well you can scream and holler, lecture, ground them, take away all their priveldges, or send them to boot camp? Or you can realize that they are just growing up and that this is the beginning of them becoming young adults. No parents look forward to their children becoming sexually active but it can and does happen regardless of the parental values. So what do you do when you find out?

Assuming your teen knows about safe sex and both the physical and emotional pitfalls that can result from a sexual relationship, there really isn't much more you can do other than remember that they are still the same child that you have raised for all these years and provide them guidance and support in their decision. They are not going to stop having sex just because the parents tell them not to and they will continue to find places to do it.

So I say...let them explore their sexuality, give them their privacy and let them know that sex is and can be a very wonderful experience and is nothing to be ashamed about. Let your child know that sex is a private matter between them and their partners and allow them the freedom and privacy to learn about sex in a healthy and safe environment. Teach them that there is much more to a relationship than sex but also that sex is an important part of a loving and committed relationship. The attitudes our children have about sex in their teen years will be the attitudes they will continue to have as they become adults. Once they become sexually active...we want our teens to know how to be responsible, safe, and develop a healthy outlook on this part of a relationship.

I don't think that any parent would ever encourage their teenagers to have sex, but on the other hand once they take this step we should accept their decision and allow them the ability to explore and discover their sexuality in a positive way.

Talking To Your Teen Daughter About Sex

As our girls grow up we have talked to them in age appropriate terms about their bodies and have had the birds and bees talk. So what do we tell them about sex when they hit the teen years and think they are ready to lose their virginity?

1. Respect: respect for their bodies and themselves. They can only lose their virginity one time.

2. Safety: If they are going to have sex they need to protect themselves. This includes how to put on and take off a condom safely along with the many birth control options available. And also a visit to the gyn or clinic for a discussion with a professional.

3. Independence: The decision to have sex should be a decision they make, not because they are pressured for any reason, but because the relationship has reached that stage where both partners are comfortable in taking the next step.

4. How to say No: Every girl matures at different ages and stages and they need to know how to say no to any or all sexual activities they are not ready for or comfortable with.

5. How to say Yes: Undestanding that sex can be a wonderful thing when they are both physically and emotionally ready.

6. Sex is not bad: They need to understand that sex can be good in the right situation, when both partners are physcially and emotionally mature enough.

7. Intercourse is not the only way to have sex with a partner: There are many other options, including mutual masturbation to experiece sexual pleasure and if a girl is not ready to have intercourse she should be aware of the other options and be willing to let her partner know.

8. Masturbation is healthy and normal: A young girl needs to know that exploration of her own body is a very normal function and is not something that they should ever be ashamed of.

9. Communication: Before having sex with a partner it is important that they both are able to talk with each other about their bodies, their readiness, their fears and their desires and the physcial and emotional consequences.

10. Don't expect fireworks the first time: For most people, the first time, is a learning experience and many times the expectations and anticipation far exceed the initial experience. They need to undesrstand that the first time may not be as wonderful as they thought it would be.

11. The first time should be planned, discussed, and made a very special occassion: They will always remember their first time and as parents we would hope that it is a memorable and mature decision. We do not want them to have sex the first time in the heat of the moment where physical desires override the brain.

12. Allow plenty of time and privacy for the first time: The back seat of the car or the basement with mom and dad upstairs, is not the mature way to lose their virginity. Once the decision is made to have sex, then they need to find a safe place without interuptions or fear of someone hearing them. Planning where and when is just as important as the decision to lose their virginity.

13. If at all possible discuss with mom or dad or a close adult friend or relative the decision to have sex prior to making this decision. This does not always happen and it's understandable, but before they make the decision to become sexually active, it would be best if they felt comfortable enough to talk to someone who has been there before.

14. Being mature enough to be able to talk to their partner: After the first time and even subsequent times, it's important to be able to express to their partner what they like, what they don't like. What feels good, what doesn't and what limits they will place or boundaries that they will accept.

15. Undestanding the consequences: Although sex is wonderful, teens need to be aware that there are consequences. The emotional pain of a breakup with a sexual partner can be devastating and they also need to be aware of the physical consequences of pregnancy or sti's, when the sex is unprotected.

16. Sex is a private matter between two consenting individuals: Sex is not a notch in somebody's belt or a way to show how "grown up" they are to others. It is an intimate experiece that should be mutually shared with a partner in a committed relationship in a private setting.

It's not easy for any of us, regardless of how liberal we might be, when we discover our children have had or are getting ready to have sex. But sex is a natural part of the human makeup and it is our responsibility as parents to guide our children into making rational and mature decisions. I know this does not always happen but we can only hope that it works out that way.

How comfortable are you with your sexually active teen?

One of my mom's groups has a poll asking.."how comfortable are you with your sexually active teen?" The poll gave various choices ranging from no acceptance at all...all the way to under my roof so I know they will be safe and comfortable. As of now there are over 500 votes and the leading vote getter was the "under my roof."

Even as sexually positive as I am, these poll results surprized me, because in my own group of friends my parenting style is in the minority. Sleep overs in my house are a common occurrence and my daughter is in a very committed and loving relationship. But to find that there are so many people in that group that share my views was eye opening.

So I'm trying to figure out why this poll was so much different than I experience with my own group of friends. Could it be because this group attracts more liberal minded moms, or could it be that people can be more open with their views with the annonymity of the internet? I really don't have an answer but I did feel somewhat validated in my parenting style knowing that so many other parents accepted their children's sexual activity to the point that they preferred it was conducted at home in a safe and healthy environment.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this? I just found it very interesting.

The Backseat of the Car

An old high school girlfriend was in town for the holidays and we had a chance to catch up over a few drinks. As we were reminiscing over some of our high school episodes she brought up "planters hill" which really wasn't a hill but it's the place everyone "back in the day" went to make out with their boyfriends. Sadly Planters Hill is now a development.

But as we laughed and drank our wine we talked about our exploits in the backseats of our boyfriend's cars and I thought it would be a good subject to blog about. Nooooo I'm not going into the x rated details so if that's what you were looking for you will be disappointed. It does however bring up the subject about teens and how many teens did and still do experience their sexuality.

For many teens, the back seat of the car is really the only place they can have their privacy to engage in intimate relations. Again I'm not advocating that teens have sex, I'm just stating that if teens want to have sex they are going to. But is this where we want our teens to learn about and experience sex? First off it's not a very comfortable environement (unless the teens are gymnasts) and parking in a deserted area is not a very safe place to engage in this type of activity. In addition, having intimate relations while constantly listening for other cars or the noises in the dark, definitely takes much of the romance out of a romantic situation.

Now I'm sure there are some parents that believe that the more uncomfortable the situation is the less likeley the teens will be to have sex. But remembering my jaded past, tells me that the sex will still occur but it will be more of a purely sexual act than a passionate romantic loving encounter.

As I've said before, I have always wanted my girls to understand and experience the beauty of having sex once they were in committed and loving relationships. Anyone that has read any of my posts knows that I don't condone teen sex but I do accept that it will happen, and I want my kids to know that sex can be wonderful, fun, healthy and fulfilling.

So do we want our kids to experience physical intimacy in the backseat of a car or should we allow them their privacy to enjoy and explore their sexuality in a safe and comfortable environment?

The Bond of Good Communication

As we raise our children especially when they become teenagers how can we get them to talk to us. I have heard of and know many parents who complain because their teenagers will not open up or have any meaningful discussions with them. It's not uncommon to ask a teenager a question and get only a yes or no response, or even a grunt here and there or even the dreaded "eye roll." Why is it that kids do not want to communicate with parents??

I know I'm not the perfect parent and I may not even be a good parent...but i try and I think that's all we can do as we raise kids...to try our best. So what does Barb think we can do to get our teens to open up, to tell us what's going on in their lives and to discuss issues with us?

1. Never yell, scream or lecture: Doing these things will immediately cause an "ear blockage" from our kids and anything that is said will not be heard or will not be absorbed into their teenage brains. So I say...always keep your cool.
2. Listen, listen, listen: When our kids say something, it is most likely important to them, so listen to them and hear what they have to say and then discuss rationally.
3. When confronted with a difficult situation you do not always have to give an immediate response. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I need to think about this and we will deal with it later." That gives us time to cool down, reflect on the situation, and deal with the issue in a logical and well thought out approach.
4. Be logical: Be willing to explain your reasoning why they can't do something. I have talked before about, honesty, respect and safety and most of the time I can explain an issue to my kids as it relates to those 3 core values. But sometimes don't be afraid to say, I'm your mom and my gut tells me such and such is not a good thing to do. It's ok to say, "I really can't give you a reason other than I'm not comfortable with such and such." Your kids might not like that response but you are being honest. Making up reasons only causes your kids to lose trust in you.
5. Always be honest: If you are honest with your kids you can expect honesty from them in return. If they ask a question, don't blow them off. Deal with whatever it is honestly and truthfully.
6. Remember how you were at their age: As parents we do not want our kids to make the same mistakes we made. But mistakes are part of growing up. Our past mistakes have made us who we are today.
7. Remember they are teenagers: They are at that age where they think they know everything, and they want to be independent. Don't be afraid to let them spread their wings as they mature, but always be there to catch them when they fall. Never say "i told you so."
8. Spend time with your kids: Do the little things, give them your time, your attention, your love and your trust. Kid's don't wake up every morning thinking of things to make parents crazy. Kids want to please their parents.

So all in all what I'm trying to say is good open communication with your kids is probably the most important gift you can give them and they can give us parents. There are no silver bullets, and all we can do is our best.

Teens and Privacy

How much privacy should we give our teens is a dilemma that most parents are confronted with. Some parents believe teens do not have a right to any privacy, whether it be in their bedroom, on myspace or facebook, on the computer, and even on the phone.

I have always expected my kids to give me privacy and I in turn have given them their privacy when they reached the age where they were mature enough to handle it. My youngest has had myspace since she was around 13 or so, and she voluntarily added me as a friend. I didn't require her to do it but she did it on her own. I have never had a problem with her computer use and I've never used any spyware to track where she goes on the computer. She gave me her password awhile ago because she wanted me to watch if she got an email about a job. But she knows that even though I have her password, I would never read any of her emails unless she asked me to, and i would never try to snoop her IM's. And she would do the same with me. As for her bedroom, that is her private area. Just like adults, children need their own space and since she has been in a serious relationship I have no problem giving her privacy whether it be by herself or with her boyfriend.

So I think privacy is something that we expect our kids to give us and in turn we should give them their privacy. Now if the situation ever came up where I thought she was abusing this priviledge, such as doing drugs, or other inappropriate activities then everything would change...but she knows that too, so she respects the privacy I give her and does not abuse it.

Privacy is important for all of us, and as long as our kids understand that it's a priveledge not to be abused, I'm all in favor of giving kids their privacy.

Talking to the Other Parents

Having teens involved in a sexual relationship can be traumatic to many parents. Upon discovering this fact about your child, there are a wide range of emotions that many parents go through. Some parents prefer to bury their head in the sand and feel that the less they know the better, while other parents attempt to restrict the relationship and tell their children no you are not allowed to have sex. In my bloggings I talk alot about how I handle and accept this with my daughters. However there is no best way for a parent to handle this situation, because every parent has to deal with this based on their own values and beliefs and parent their kids the best they know how.

But...if you are like me and accept the fact that your child is having sex and you are comfortable with it, then what is your responsibility to the parents of your teens boyfriend or girlfriend's parents? Do you have a responsibility to discuss this with the other parents? I think alot of parents struggle with this decision especially if they do not know the other parents or don't know them well. The worry is always..how will they react? Is it my job to let them know what their child is doing?

I think the answer is not always clear but I do believe that if you believe it is ok to let your child and their partner privacy in your home to engage in these activities or if you believe in allowing the two kids to sleep at your house, then I think it's necessary to have a discussion with the other parents. This is not always easy and can be stressful but it's important that the other parents know how you plan on handling this. So call the other parents and let them know your thoughts and get their thoughts on how they believe this should be handled. And if the other parents are of the mindset that teen sexuality should be stopped or at least is not acceptable to them, then you as the parent need to respect the other parents values. On the other hand some parents may think like I do that teen sex in a loving committed relationship is healthy, and if that's the case then both sets of parents are on the same page.

So the point of all this is that if your teen is involved in a sexual relationship, don't be afraid to talk to the other parents. Parents need to be on the same page when dealing with these types of relationships and it goes along way in minimizing problems in the future.

Teaching Kids the Difference Between Sex and Making Love

I think that if we as parents can teach our kids that there is a big difference between having sex and making love, it will go along way in helping our kids mature. Sex results from raging hormones, peer pressure, partner pressure, or just the desire to have a few moments of passion or momentary pleasure. Making love is a mutually fulfilling experience between two committed people that care deeply about each other.

Although we are all sexual beings and we were born with the need to have sex, it's important that kids understand that making love is healthy and wonderful, and is something that can deepen a relationship. Having sex on the other hand is not a healthy emotional activity for teens.

When having the sex talk with kids, in addition to talking about the need for safe sex and the consequences, we should explain the difference between sex and making love. This helps instill in the child a true sense of what sexuality is all about. When a person loses their virginity, it is something they cannot get back and it's also a time that they will always remember. Having good memories about making love is much better than having regrets about having sex as they get older.

What Do You Teach Your Kids About Sex?

For many parents, it's hard enough to talk to their kids about sex but should you teach them about sex as well? Hopefully most parents discuss the emotional consequences of sex, std's, pregnancies etc. And we all have to discuss sex with our kids in the framework of what we as parents believe. But once the basics are covered and we are accepting of our teenagers sexual activity, what kind of conversations do we have next?

Anyone reading this probably knows that I think sex should be a wonderful enjoyable experience in committed relationships, whether it be adult or teen relationships. I've always explained to my kids the importance of:

1. Continually talking to their partner about sex.
2. Exploration..learning what both parties enjoy and not being afraid to try new things.
3. Understanding that both parties in a relationship need to feel fulfilled, it's not just a one way street.
4. Being aware that sex is only one part of a healthy relationship.

It's also important to realize that all kids are different. My oldest daughter is much more private and our conversations regarding sex are usually brief and limited, although she does know that I'm always willing to listen if she wants to talk. My 16 yr old on the other hand, is my talkative and inquisitive one. Although she does talk alot and has always had many questions, in most cases I don't pry into the specifics of her sex life, there are somethings that even i don't want to know lol.

But with both my girls I have always felt that the sex talk needs to go beyond the safe sex aspects. It's important that they know how important it is that both parties talk about sex and just don't do it without any conversation. Explaining what is enjoyable and what isn't is what keeps a relationship evolving and growing. Being willing to explore various activities is the only way we find out what gives us pleasure and what does not. There are many resources for all of us to learn about new techniques or different activities. There are books, movies and online sites that are wonderful resources for people of all ages. Especially in the teen years, what they learn now is the basis for healthy relationships as they get older. And kids need to know that both partners have needs that should be taken care of, and a good understanding of the others needs is so important. And most importantly, sex is good, sex is fun, sex is exhilarating but there is much more to any relationship than just good sex.

I think if we can make our kids aware of the above, they will develop into emotionally healthy, happy adults with a strong sense of who they are and this will go a long way into developing strong relationships in the future.

Europeans Treatment of Teen Sex vs Americans

I recently read an article which stated that Americans look at teen sex as a risky experience while the Europeans feel that teen sex is a pleasurable experience. I think the Europeans hit the nail on the head. The only caveat that I'm making in this post is that, teen sex should be safe and consensual.

Although I'm sure even in Europe that parents don't encourage their children to have sex, they realize that if it happens there is nothing wrong with it. Bravo. What is so wrong with children seeking pleasure? It's a normal desire for both children and adults. Many adults seek pleasure through many activities such as smoking, drinking, laughter, and yes sex. So why can't we understand that children have the same need to seek pleasure just like us. When children are young they seek their physical pleasure from sucking their thumbs, and having a "binkie," and as they grow they learn about masturbation. After the onset of puberty teens tend to seek out different ways to seek out physical pleasure. Kissing and hugging becomes more of the norm after puberty. And then Sex can become an important form of pleasure for teens.

There is not a "magical age" where young adults can have sex, children mature differently. It is our responsibility as parents to accept our children's needs for pleasure as they grow up and to talk to them and prepare them emotionally to be responsible and safe in the activities they undertake.

So Moms and Dads out there, can you accept the fact that we all have a desire for physical pleasure, even our kids? Do you think like the Europeans or do you have the mindset of most Americans? It's all up to us as parents to determine what is best for our own children, for me, I say what's so wrong with good safe consensual sex?