Teaching Teens: Intimacy Does Not Always Mean Intercourse

Many parents of teenagers are so worried about their teenagers having sex that they disapprove of almost any physical contact their children have with their partners. What parents do not realize is that physical contact is something that is a natural instinct. Parents love to hold their children, we kiss our children, and we hug our children, it is how we express our affection for them. And this is something children learn from an early age, so why is it so difficult for parents to accept their children having physical contact with others as they get older.

Physical contact does not necessarily mean intercourse, although as relationships evolve, intercourse may happen. I think as parents we need to teach our children that intimacy can be holding hands or kissing or cuddling, it doesn't always have to be intercourse. We all have different belief systems and the values we instill in our children will hopefully guide them as they grow into mature and responsible adults.

Young adults are no different than we are as parents, they have a need and desire for love, whether it be parental love or the emotional love they get from being with a partner. When our children hold hands, kiss, or hug their boyfriend or girlfriend at the time, they are just expressing affection, which is a need all of us have.

That's why it is so important for us to teach our children that intimacy and seeking pleasure is a normal and healthy desire that we all have and that there are many ways to express intimacy, without engaging in intercourse. Sure many times intimacy leads to intercourse but if we teach our children alternative forms of intimacy, it can prolong their need to engage in actual sex.

Kissing, hand holding, hugging are all very safe activities that are healthy in any relationship. As relationships become more serious, intimacy can take the form of masturbation or mutual masturbation, and a variety of foreplay activities. Obviously the urge to go further than this is great however if we teach our children that there are ways to enjoy intimacy without actually having intercourse, hopefully they can prolong their virginity until they are in long term committed loving relationships.

So when we have the discussions about sex with our children we need to understand their needs for affection but also talk about the act of intercourse not being the only way to express their intimacy. There are many other ways for our young adults to experience pleasure without having actual penetration. We need to be open with our children as they grow, and not be afraid to have open and honest discussions.

The Spitzer Situation as a Teaching Moment with a Libertarian Slant

My youngest daughter and I began discussing the situation with the ex governor of New York and his relationship with the escort service. The newspapers and television have covered it extensively and have continuously bashed the governor for his behavior. Now, assuming he only used his personal money for this affair, is what he did wrong? and should he have resigned? Ok, I've read that he wasn't always the nicest of guys, but that's not the issue, the question is, did he do something wrong?

This was a consensual relationship between two adults, and done in the privacy of a hotel room. Whether safe sex was practiced or not, is a decision that they made and why should any of us judge it? Yes he was married, but that is an issue between the governor and his wife. And yes prostitution is considered illegal but so is smoking marijuana, cheating on income taxes, drinking and driving and a variety of other activities that many adults participate in. Most of the media jumped on the bandwagon and condemned the governor for doing something they considered "wrong." But "wrong" according to whose standards?

What the governor did was an issue between him his wife and the other woman. It did not involve anyone else and noone was hurt except his family and that is a personal matter that the governor brought on himself. So why such a media outcry? Probably because it had to do with the provactive word "Sex." Although many people do not choose to pay for sex, others do, and that is a decision made between consenting adults.

I do not see how having a heterosexual or homosexual affair, paid for or not, warrants the media scrutiny the governor faced. Sure he had to deal with the fallout at home and with his kids, but what makes it any of the public's business who he is sleeping with. I'm a believer that what goes on in a bedroom should stay in the bedroom and is a very personal activity. Obviously the governor enjoys sex and yes he paid for it, but does that impact his ability to govern the state of New York, anymore than it would impact my job as a teacher? I think not, and I think the media ruined his career because of a personal issue that had no bearing on his job.

Cyber Sex and Masturbation

I'm a member of several parenting groups and sometimes subjects that come up in the groups give me the motivation to blog in the anonymity of the internet. Recently there was a post about a mom walking in on her daughter who was having cybersex with her bf on a webcam in her bedroom. The mom was in shock and it sounded like she was ready to have a nervous breakdown over finding her daughter engaged in this activity. Obviously most people do not think like I do, but I say what's the big deal?

Cybersex is nothing more than masturbation, and albeit a webcam is more a form of mutual masturbation, why is this so bad? Obviously it had to be embarrassing for both the mom and daughter when the mom walked in, but what woman or man for that matter has never masturbated? It is a natural form of human pleasure, and it's definitely a type of sex that doesn't cause worry about pregnancy or std's, and most of us learned to masturbate at young ages. Yes Mom, most likely your child has masturbated before.

Is there a stigma about this type of activity? Obviously we do not want to see this type of activity from our kids anymore than they want to walk in on us when we are taking time to enjoy ourselves. But in privacy, children should be taught that self pleasuring can provide a wonderful feeling and is a great release at times for those sexual urges that we all get. Even if our children have sexual partners, the need to please one's self still occurs, and whether it is through a sex aid or the "old fashioned way," why is this such a big deal to some parents?

I read an article one time that talked about self pleasuring and mutual masturbation as a way to postpone our children's desire for intercourse. Now I'm not sure that's true but it is an interesting observation. I personally think that once a young couple enters the world of mutual masturbation they are more inclined to start intercourse, but again that's only my opinion. But I still don't think either of those activities is a bad thing in a committed relationship.

I have no problem with my two daughter's having sex aids, and I've even helped them shop online before for these items. Before you go saying, OMG Barb is nuts, let me tell you that searching the various catalogs online can be a wonderful educational experience and promotes great discussions with your kids about their sexuality. Once we can get past the embarrassment of talking about sex with our kids, we can have open and honest discussions.

So yes I admit, I have masturbated lol and don't tell anyone but I do enjoy it (shhhhh.) So as I ramble on....if I walked in on my daughter pleasuring herself while watching her boyfriend doing the same on a webcam, I'd smile and get out of the room as quickly as I entered, and remember from now on to knock the next time I decided to go in her room.

I Love My Teenagers, Yes I Do

I love raising teenagers, Yes I really do, and because of that I'm a member of several parenting groups. Typically the topics are about teen behavior whether it be drugs, sex, drinking or attitudes, and are written by frustrated parents. Now I do understand that there are "troubled teens" out there but I've come to the conclusion that there are just as many "troubled parents" as well. Now I'm no pollyanna, and I have seen teens that are very troubled, but I think there are alot of instances that it's the troubled parents that cause the troubled teens, not always, just in alot of cases.

I'm just a Mom, not a psychologist or a researcher in academia, so take what I write lightly. I have no silver bullets for raising teenagers but I think parents need to remember their own teenage years when they deal with their own kids. I think if we show them love, laugh at them, laugh with them, and cry when they cry, we can learn to be good parents. Teenagers are just a younger species of adults who are trying to become adults, and we as parents can either be there to guide them or we can be there to hold them back in their journey. It's all up to us. We as parents can either say that we won't let them make the same mistakes that we did, or we can say we will guide them so they can grow and learn from their mistakes and become happy successful adults.

I've posted before about the fact that I really only have three rules with my kids, safety, honesty and respect, and they have heard these three rules from me all of their lives.

Safety covers alot of activities from safe sex, drinking and driving, drug abuse, riding with unsafe drivers etc. Like I tell my girls safety covers anything when their physical or emotional health is at risk.

Honesty covers the need to be truthful at school, with friends, with employers, with partners, and at home. Now I know, there are times when I've not always been truthful and there will be times when our kids aren't always truthful, but if we ingrain in them the basic tenet of honesty, these lies will be few and far between, and will be more "white" lies than lies that impact their lives.

Then we get to respect, which is having respect for others and having respect for themselves. If we can teach our children to respect others, they will learn to be tolerant, non judgemental, loving human beings. I explain to them that they don't have to like everyone but they do need to respect everyone. When we teach them to respect themselves they learn everything from personal hygiene to getting good grades, to having good relationships.

So those are my three rules, and do I care that their rooms might be messey or that they might come home ten minutes late? I don't sweat the small stuff. When deciding what battles I pick I go back to my three rules. A good rule of thumb to use when we get upset with our kids, is to say to ourselves,"will it matter a year from now?"

Ok I know parenting isn't quite as easy as I make it sound, and I'm the hippy open minded mom, that your mom warned you about. But I love my teenagers and it's a great ride, although it won't last forever. We only have a short period of time to raise our kids and it's up to us to either bitch and complain or to sit back and treasure the time we have with them.

A Healthy Divorce? Maybe

I recently came across a wonderful website, threetrusts.com, which talks about handling divorce in a very powerful way. When I got divorced 10+ years ago I didn't have the benefit of this site, but I handled my divorce alot like the thoughts the author expressed. Please check out this site, it is a wonderful resource for those getting divorced or already divorced.

My divorce was neither easy nor happy because by the time we separated we both had an intense dislike for each other. My girls were 6 and 5 at the time, and I know I was not the best mom to them and their dad was not the best dad. To make a long story short our marriage was filled with affairs on both sides, a few drugs and alot of drinking, definitely not the way to get parent of the year awards.

I spent the first week of him being gone to reevaluate my life, although I should have gone to counseling I didn't. I finally came to the realization that our marriage was a total mess due to the both of us and that it wasn't all him. I still despised him and the anger didn't go away but I did realize that I sure was not blameless. I came to the conclusion that my number one priority now had to be my two girls, and no matter how hard it was going to be, I had to do what was best for them. I called their dad (even now I hate calling him my husband or ex husband.), and I said I wanted to meet him. The only rules I set for our get together is that we both had to be sober and we both had to promise to be civil to each other, which he surprising agreed to.

We met for coffee and he came sober and I did too. I explained my feelings that our marriage was a disaster and I accepted my responsibility for my share. I then told him, I don't care if you hate me or I hate you, we have to move forward for the sake of the girls. I said here is how I will conduct myself from now on and it's up to you how you handle yourself. I told him that I will never say anything bad about him in front of the girls, he was their Dad (the jerk that he was), and I was not going to deprive my daughters from having a father in their life. I told him the rest was up to him, and he could handle himself whatever way he wanted to but i was going to stay consistent with my beliefs. He said he agreed (although I didn't care if he did or not, I just wanted him to know how I was going to conduct myself.) This discussion lasted all of 30 minutes but I did clear the air and I felt better about myself for saying what I did.

Well we did get the divorce, child support was promised, etc., and he did start seeing my girls on weekends, and not once did I say anything negative about him to my kids. Fast forward ten years, the child support never came, his contact with the girls got more infrequent and he's off doing his thing with his new life sans his daughters. Oh sure there are the birthday phone calls and maybe he'll visit when he feels the urge but this is the path he has chosen. My girls have been hurt but I have still managed to bite my tongue and stress to them he is still their father.

So anyways as I ramble on...relating this to the three trusts, I did trust myself that I could be a good divorced parent without "bashing" my ex. I did trust my ex to be good enough, and I did trust my girls to see the truth without my influence. Mine have seen the truth with their father, and although it's sad, it is a fact of life and I believe they have learned one of life's valuable lessons. So I'm a single mom and I'm definitely not perfect but who is? I'm very comfortable with who I am, I'm strong, I'm opinionated and my girls are my life. Oh, and just so you don't think I'm an angel, I still do say alot of bad things about my ex but never in front of my girls.

Ughhh I'm Still a Smoker

One of my previous blogs was about my attempt to quit cigarettes....well so much for that idea. The quit didn't work although I did quit longer than I'd ever quit before so that is a good sign. Why do cigarettes have such a hold on me? I'm probably no different than most smokers...I need my nicotine and I'm sure my smoking is due to both the physical and emotional addiciton that I have. During my quit I think the thing that made it the most difficult was being around others who smoked. Maybe if I could've just locked myself in my room for three months and didn't have to see my mom, my friends or my daughter with a cigarette, I just might have been able to do it. But oh well, I'm back to living life as an "outcast" smoker, and sure I know it's bad for me but I sadly admit I enjoy it. One of these days I might give quitting another try, but for now, I'm back to being a smoker.