I recently came across a wonderful website, threetrusts.com, which talks about handling divorce in a very powerful way. When I got divorced 10+ years ago I didn't have the benefit of this site, but I handled my divorce alot like the thoughts the author expressed. Please check out this site, it is a wonderful resource for those getting divorced or already divorced.
My divorce was neither easy nor happy because by the time we separated we both had an intense dislike for each other. My girls were 6 and 5 at the time, and I know I was not the best mom to them and their dad was not the best dad. To make a long story short our marriage was filled with affairs on both sides, a few drugs and alot of drinking, definitely not the way to get parent of the year awards.
I spent the first week of him being gone to reevaluate my life, although I should have gone to counseling I didn't. I finally came to the realization that our marriage was a total mess due to the both of us and that it wasn't all him. I still despised him and the anger didn't go away but I did realize that I sure was not blameless. I came to the conclusion that my number one priority now had to be my two girls, and no matter how hard it was going to be, I had to do what was best for them. I called their dad (even now I hate calling him my husband or ex husband.), and I said I wanted to meet him. The only rules I set for our get together is that we both had to be sober and we both had to promise to be civil to each other, which he surprising agreed to.
We met for coffee and he came sober and I did too. I explained my feelings that our marriage was a disaster and I accepted my responsibility for my share. I then told him, I don't care if you hate me or I hate you, we have to move forward for the sake of the girls. I said here is how I will conduct myself from now on and it's up to you how you handle yourself. I told him that I will never say anything bad about him in front of the girls, he was their Dad (the jerk that he was), and I was not going to deprive my daughters from having a father in their life. I told him the rest was up to him, and he could handle himself whatever way he wanted to but i was going to stay consistent with my beliefs. He said he agreed (although I didn't care if he did or not, I just wanted him to know how I was going to conduct myself.) This discussion lasted all of 30 minutes but I did clear the air and I felt better about myself for saying what I did.
Well we did get the divorce, child support was promised, etc., and he did start seeing my girls on weekends, and not once did I say anything negative about him to my kids. Fast forward ten years, the child support never came, his contact with the girls got more infrequent and he's off doing his thing with his new life sans his daughters. Oh sure there are the birthday phone calls and maybe he'll visit when he feels the urge but this is the path he has chosen. My girls have been hurt but I have still managed to bite my tongue and stress to them he is still their father.
So anyways as I ramble on...relating this to the three trusts, I did trust myself that I could be a good divorced parent without "bashing" my ex. I did trust my ex to be good enough, and I did trust my girls to see the truth without my influence. Mine have seen the truth with their father, and although it's sad, it is a fact of life and I believe they have learned one of life's valuable lessons. So I'm a single mom and I'm definitely not perfect but who is? I'm very comfortable with who I am, I'm strong, I'm opinionated and my girls are my life. Oh, and just so you don't think I'm an angel, I still do say alot of bad things about my ex but never in front of my girls.
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2 comments:
Barbara, thanks so much for mentioning the Three Trusts site. It does sound like you handled yourself as I encourage parents to do. You have an innate wisdom, you do. When I was going through my terribly nasty 2nd divorce, I was very fortunate to have a loved confidant who could keep me focused on my daughter, because it would have been so very easy to cut her off from my ex. It took me years more than you to recognize my own part in the problems we had, and to be able to forgive him for his part. Today we're friends, imagine that!
I love your site: I highly recommend sex-positive parenting, and none of us do it perfectly. We do what we can do, we do the best we can do, and that's all we can do!
Regarding the parenting / sexuality piece, I've found great benefit in books to provide springboards for conversation. Some of my favorites:
* What's Happening to my Body Book for Girls (there's also one for boys)
* The Jean Auel Earth's Children series. It starts with Clan of the Cave Bear, and I highly recommend reading at least one more of the series to get her take on goddess-oriented sexuality. I think its a great foundation for a young girls these days, to read even at a young age, before the mixed messages of our culture and media seep in.
* The Mabinogian, a quartet of old Celtic mythology, chronicling the changeover from the pagan religions to patriarchal Christianity. One of the books begins with something like, "this was back in the time when women slept with whoever they wanted to."
Keep up the good work!
Maybe we can start a mutual admiration society lol, and thanks for the book advice, I want Jenny to read those. Hugssss Barb
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