Talking To Your Teen Daughter About Sex

As our girls grow up we have talked to them in age appropriate terms about their bodies and have had the birds and bees talk. So what do we tell them about sex when they hit the teen years and think they are ready to lose their virginity?

1. Respect: respect for their bodies and themselves. They can only lose their virginity one time.

2. Safety: If they are going to have sex they need to protect themselves. This includes how to put on and take off a condom safely along with the many birth control options available. And also a visit to the gyn or clinic for a discussion with a professional.

3. Independence: The decision to have sex should be a decision they make, not because they are pressured for any reason, but because the relationship has reached that stage where both partners are comfortable in taking the next step.

4. How to say No: Every girl matures at different ages and stages and they need to know how to say no to any or all sexual activities they are not ready for or comfortable with.

5. How to say Yes: Undestanding that sex can be a wonderful thing when they are both physically and emotionally ready.

6. Sex is not bad: They need to understand that sex can be good in the right situation, when both partners are physcially and emotionally mature enough.

7. Intercourse is not the only way to have sex with a partner: There are many other options, including mutual masturbation to experiece sexual pleasure and if a girl is not ready to have intercourse she should be aware of the other options and be willing to let her partner know.

8. Masturbation is healthy and normal: A young girl needs to know that exploration of her own body is a very normal function and is not something that they should ever be ashamed of.

9. Communication: Before having sex with a partner it is important that they both are able to talk with each other about their bodies, their readiness, their fears and their desires and the physcial and emotional consequences.

10. Don't expect fireworks the first time: For most people, the first time, is a learning experience and many times the expectations and anticipation far exceed the initial experience. They need to undesrstand that the first time may not be as wonderful as they thought it would be.

11. The first time should be planned, discussed, and made a very special occassion: They will always remember their first time and as parents we would hope that it is a memorable and mature decision. We do not want them to have sex the first time in the heat of the moment where physical desires override the brain.

12. Allow plenty of time and privacy for the first time: The back seat of the car or the basement with mom and dad upstairs, is not the mature way to lose their virginity. Once the decision is made to have sex, then they need to find a safe place without interuptions or fear of someone hearing them. Planning where and when is just as important as the decision to lose their virginity.

13. If at all possible discuss with mom or dad or a close adult friend or relative the decision to have sex prior to making this decision. This does not always happen and it's understandable, but before they make the decision to become sexually active, it would be best if they felt comfortable enough to talk to someone who has been there before.

14. Being mature enough to be able to talk to their partner: After the first time and even subsequent times, it's important to be able to express to their partner what they like, what they don't like. What feels good, what doesn't and what limits they will place or boundaries that they will accept.

15. Undestanding the consequences: Although sex is wonderful, teens need to be aware that there are consequences. The emotional pain of a breakup with a sexual partner can be devastating and they also need to be aware of the physical consequences of pregnancy or sti's, when the sex is unprotected.

16. Sex is a private matter between two consenting individuals: Sex is not a notch in somebody's belt or a way to show how "grown up" they are to others. It is an intimate experiece that should be mutually shared with a partner in a committed relationship in a private setting.

It's not easy for any of us, regardless of how liberal we might be, when we discover our children have had or are getting ready to have sex. But sex is a natural part of the human makeup and it is our responsibility as parents to guide our children into making rational and mature decisions. I know this does not always happen but we can only hope that it works out that way.

The Backseat of the Car

An old high school girlfriend was in town for the holidays and we had a chance to catch up over a few drinks. As we were reminiscing over some of our high school episodes she brought up "planters hill" which really wasn't a hill but it's the place everyone "back in the day" went to make out with their boyfriends. Sadly Planters Hill is now a development.

But as we laughed and drank our wine we talked about our exploits in the backseats of our boyfriend's cars and I thought it would be a good subject to blog about. Nooooo I'm not going into the x rated details so if that's what you were looking for you will be disappointed. It does however bring up the subject about teens and how many teens did and still do experience their sexuality.

For many teens, the back seat of the car is really the only place they can have their privacy to engage in intimate relations. Again I'm not advocating that teens have sex, I'm just stating that if teens want to have sex they are going to. But is this where we want our teens to learn about and experience sex? First off it's not a very comfortable environement (unless the teens are gymnasts) and parking in a deserted area is not a very safe place to engage in this type of activity. In addition, having intimate relations while constantly listening for other cars or the noises in the dark, definitely takes much of the romance out of a romantic situation.

Now I'm sure there are some parents that believe that the more uncomfortable the situation is the less likeley the teens will be to have sex. But remembering my jaded past, tells me that the sex will still occur but it will be more of a purely sexual act than a passionate romantic loving encounter.

As I've said before, I have always wanted my girls to understand and experience the beauty of having sex once they were in committed and loving relationships. Anyone that has read any of my posts knows that I don't condone teen sex but I do accept that it will happen, and I want my kids to know that sex can be wonderful, fun, healthy and fulfilling.

So do we want our kids to experience physical intimacy in the backseat of a car or should we allow them their privacy to enjoy and explore their sexuality in a safe and comfortable environment?

Talking to the Other Parents

Having teens involved in a sexual relationship can be traumatic to many parents. Upon discovering this fact about your child, there are a wide range of emotions that many parents go through. Some parents prefer to bury their head in the sand and feel that the less they know the better, while other parents attempt to restrict the relationship and tell their children no you are not allowed to have sex. In my bloggings I talk alot about how I handle and accept this with my daughters. However there is no best way for a parent to handle this situation, because every parent has to deal with this based on their own values and beliefs and parent their kids the best they know how.

But...if you are like me and accept the fact that your child is having sex and you are comfortable with it, then what is your responsibility to the parents of your teens boyfriend or girlfriend's parents? Do you have a responsibility to discuss this with the other parents? I think alot of parents struggle with this decision especially if they do not know the other parents or don't know them well. The worry is always..how will they react? Is it my job to let them know what their child is doing?

I think the answer is not always clear but I do believe that if you believe it is ok to let your child and their partner privacy in your home to engage in these activities or if you believe in allowing the two kids to sleep at your house, then I think it's necessary to have a discussion with the other parents. This is not always easy and can be stressful but it's important that the other parents know how you plan on handling this. So call the other parents and let them know your thoughts and get their thoughts on how they believe this should be handled. And if the other parents are of the mindset that teen sexuality should be stopped or at least is not acceptable to them, then you as the parent need to respect the other parents values. On the other hand some parents may think like I do that teen sex in a loving committed relationship is healthy, and if that's the case then both sets of parents are on the same page.

So the point of all this is that if your teen is involved in a sexual relationship, don't be afraid to talk to the other parents. Parents need to be on the same page when dealing with these types of relationships and it goes along way in minimizing problems in the future.

The Heartbreak of Breaking Up

My daughter's friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 14 months and is devastated. It's tough as parents to see our kids hurt and seeing our children hurt, hurts us many times as much as it hurts our child. I know of some parents who don't want their children to be in sexual relationships or any relationship for that matter, based on the deepness of the hurt if a break up occurs.

Breakups are often times very difficult whether it be with a teen relationship or an adult relationship. When two people fall in love and are committed to each other, it is a wonderful feeling. And when a breakup occurs it can be the worst feeling in the world.

That being said, breakups are part of life. Friendships breakup, families break up, and partners breakup. There is usually a large amount of guilt and grief associated with a breakup and when a break up happens, it's hard to find the strength to get through the days that follow. But most of us have gone through this situation at one time or another.

Dealing with hurt and grief is a part of life which when we look at it objectively makes us much stronger people. It becomes part of the foundation that makes us who we are as people. But as parents we worry about our children being hurt because most of us have been hurt and we know what a terrible feeling it is.

As I talked to my daughter's friend, my words of wisdom, didn't seem to hit home, which is normal, because she is still going through the pain of a breakup. As I told her however, as she looks back on this at some point in the future, she will understand the strenghts and goodness of her relationship and she will also understand how fragile relationships can be. I know it will make her a wiser and stronger person as she gets older, although she can't see that now. And with my daughter, it would pain me tremendously to see her have to go through the hurt of a breakup but if it does happen someday, she will learn that there are no guarantees in life and pain is part of the process of becoming an adult. I don't want to see my daughter hurt, ever, but i want her to grow up to be a strong and independent adult who learns from both the joys in life as well as the pains of life.