Teens and Privacy

How much privacy should we give our teens is a dilemma that most parents are confronted with. Some parents believe teens do not have a right to any privacy, whether it be in their bedroom, on myspace or facebook, on the computer, and even on the phone.

I have always expected my kids to give me privacy and I in turn have given them their privacy when they reached the age where they were mature enough to handle it. My youngest has had myspace since she was around 13 or so, and she voluntarily added me as a friend. I didn't require her to do it but she did it on her own. I have never had a problem with her computer use and I've never used any spyware to track where she goes on the computer. She gave me her password awhile ago because she wanted me to watch if she got an email about a job. But she knows that even though I have her password, I would never read any of her emails unless she asked me to, and i would never try to snoop her IM's. And she would do the same with me. As for her bedroom, that is her private area. Just like adults, children need their own space and since she has been in a serious relationship I have no problem giving her privacy whether it be by herself or with her boyfriend.

So I think privacy is something that we expect our kids to give us and in turn we should give them their privacy. Now if the situation ever came up where I thought she was abusing this priviledge, such as doing drugs, or other inappropriate activities then everything would change...but she knows that too, so she respects the privacy I give her and does not abuse it.

Privacy is important for all of us, and as long as our kids understand that it's a priveledge not to be abused, I'm all in favor of giving kids their privacy.

Talking to the Other Parents

Having teens involved in a sexual relationship can be traumatic to many parents. Upon discovering this fact about your child, there are a wide range of emotions that many parents go through. Some parents prefer to bury their head in the sand and feel that the less they know the better, while other parents attempt to restrict the relationship and tell their children no you are not allowed to have sex. In my bloggings I talk alot about how I handle and accept this with my daughters. However there is no best way for a parent to handle this situation, because every parent has to deal with this based on their own values and beliefs and parent their kids the best they know how.

But...if you are like me and accept the fact that your child is having sex and you are comfortable with it, then what is your responsibility to the parents of your teens boyfriend or girlfriend's parents? Do you have a responsibility to discuss this with the other parents? I think alot of parents struggle with this decision especially if they do not know the other parents or don't know them well. The worry is always..how will they react? Is it my job to let them know what their child is doing?

I think the answer is not always clear but I do believe that if you believe it is ok to let your child and their partner privacy in your home to engage in these activities or if you believe in allowing the two kids to sleep at your house, then I think it's necessary to have a discussion with the other parents. This is not always easy and can be stressful but it's important that the other parents know how you plan on handling this. So call the other parents and let them know your thoughts and get their thoughts on how they believe this should be handled. And if the other parents are of the mindset that teen sexuality should be stopped or at least is not acceptable to them, then you as the parent need to respect the other parents values. On the other hand some parents may think like I do that teen sex in a loving committed relationship is healthy, and if that's the case then both sets of parents are on the same page.

So the point of all this is that if your teen is involved in a sexual relationship, don't be afraid to talk to the other parents. Parents need to be on the same page when dealing with these types of relationships and it goes along way in minimizing problems in the future.

The Heartbreak of Breaking Up

My daughter's friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 14 months and is devastated. It's tough as parents to see our kids hurt and seeing our children hurt, hurts us many times as much as it hurts our child. I know of some parents who don't want their children to be in sexual relationships or any relationship for that matter, based on the deepness of the hurt if a break up occurs.

Breakups are often times very difficult whether it be with a teen relationship or an adult relationship. When two people fall in love and are committed to each other, it is a wonderful feeling. And when a breakup occurs it can be the worst feeling in the world.

That being said, breakups are part of life. Friendships breakup, families break up, and partners breakup. There is usually a large amount of guilt and grief associated with a breakup and when a break up happens, it's hard to find the strength to get through the days that follow. But most of us have gone through this situation at one time or another.

Dealing with hurt and grief is a part of life which when we look at it objectively makes us much stronger people. It becomes part of the foundation that makes us who we are as people. But as parents we worry about our children being hurt because most of us have been hurt and we know what a terrible feeling it is.

As I talked to my daughter's friend, my words of wisdom, didn't seem to hit home, which is normal, because she is still going through the pain of a breakup. As I told her however, as she looks back on this at some point in the future, she will understand the strenghts and goodness of her relationship and she will also understand how fragile relationships can be. I know it will make her a wiser and stronger person as she gets older, although she can't see that now. And with my daughter, it would pain me tremendously to see her have to go through the hurt of a breakup but if it does happen someday, she will learn that there are no guarantees in life and pain is part of the process of becoming an adult. I don't want to see my daughter hurt, ever, but i want her to grow up to be a strong and independent adult who learns from both the joys in life as well as the pains of life.