One of the most insightful blogs on parenting is authored by Dr. Karen Rayne, maybe I think it's insightful because I almost always agree with her lol. Anyway check out her blog it's a great resource for any parent. Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne
But...back to matters at hand, her blog today was talking about parent's that set certain ages for their kids to start dating. And....I decided to take her question a little further and talk about certain rules and laws that make no sense, so here's a few:
1. You have to be 18 to buy cigarettes but you can buy lighters at any age.
2. Pot is illegal but rolling papers aren't.
3. You can't talk on a cell phone when you're driving but you can eat a BIg Mac.
4. Cigarettes and alcohal are legal but pot isn't.
5. Schools have pop machines for kids but they don't let kids drink coffee at school.
6. I can't smoke at work but the guy in the next cubicle can fart all he wants. (And his 2d hand fart smell is alot worse than my 2d hand cig smoke)
7. It's illegal to gamble unless you're the church or the state run lottery.
8. You can join the military and risk your life for your country at 18 but you can't drink until you're 21.
Just some thoughts from a libertarian Mom ....after I have more coffee maybe I'll think up some additional rules that don't make sense.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Ecouraging Teen Sex vs. Accepting It
I am a teacher at our local joint vocational school and teach evening school for adults preparing them for the GED test, and consequently I usually have my mornings free. Twice a week I meet a group of female friends for coffee at our local Paneras ( God I love the cinnamon crunch bagels.) My friends pretty much know my views on raising children and it can often times lead to interesting discussions.
Several weeks ago we were talking about teenage sex and the question came up as to how do we as parents balance encouraging our kids to have sex or just accepting it. I don’t think any parent would encourage their teen to engage in sexual activity, but does providing birth control, or providing your teen and their partner privacy encourage sexual activity?
As a group it was agreed that providing birth control to young girls that are having or close to having sex is an intelligent parenting decision. Although two of my friends did worry that providing contraception could be seen as condoning or encouraging sexual activity, it was agreed that it was better than the alternative of unprotected sex. Where the discussion got interesting was when we began to discuss whether or not we allow our children and their partners the privacy to engage in sexual activity.
Of the 5 women there, 3 firmly stated that even if they did know their children were having sex, they would tighten the leash and supervise them as closely as possible to severely limit the opportunities for sex. They were pretty much of the opinion that even though kids have sex, it is the parent’s responsibility to limit the opportunities as much as humanly possible. They felt that anything less than that would be seen as encouraging young premarital sex. It was interesting because these 3 women all felt that they would provide birth control if needed to children as young as 13 but all felt that they would attempt to limit any opportunity for sex even for their older teens until they were out of the house and had no control over them.
The other two women, myself being one of them, felt that emotional maturity was an overriding factor and we did feel that anyone under 13 (an arbitrary age we chose) did not have the maturity to engage in a physical relationship. And we also said that there are 15 and 16 yr olds that don’t have the necessary maturity. Our minority opinion was primarily based on maturity level and the seriousness of the relationship the child was in. As we took the minority view, my friend and I both felt that teenagers involved in a serious relationship should be allowed to have some privacy with their partner, where they could feel free to have intimate time together. The other 3 women felt that this would be encouraging our children to have sex, however we believed that we were not encouraging it but only accepting it and hoping our children would learn to have sexually healthy attitudes as they grew into adulthood. With my 2 daughters, 17 and 15 who are both in committed relationships, I allow them privacy and do allow occasional sleepovers with their partners, and yes same room and same bed. Is this encouraging my daughters to have sex? I don’t think so, they have already made that decision on their own. I feel it is accepting the fact that they are in physical relationships and dealing with it in a practical safe and healthy manner.
Several weeks ago we were talking about teenage sex and the question came up as to how do we as parents balance encouraging our kids to have sex or just accepting it. I don’t think any parent would encourage their teen to engage in sexual activity, but does providing birth control, or providing your teen and their partner privacy encourage sexual activity?
As a group it was agreed that providing birth control to young girls that are having or close to having sex is an intelligent parenting decision. Although two of my friends did worry that providing contraception could be seen as condoning or encouraging sexual activity, it was agreed that it was better than the alternative of unprotected sex. Where the discussion got interesting was when we began to discuss whether or not we allow our children and their partners the privacy to engage in sexual activity.
Of the 5 women there, 3 firmly stated that even if they did know their children were having sex, they would tighten the leash and supervise them as closely as possible to severely limit the opportunities for sex. They were pretty much of the opinion that even though kids have sex, it is the parent’s responsibility to limit the opportunities as much as humanly possible. They felt that anything less than that would be seen as encouraging young premarital sex. It was interesting because these 3 women all felt that they would provide birth control if needed to children as young as 13 but all felt that they would attempt to limit any opportunity for sex even for their older teens until they were out of the house and had no control over them.
The other two women, myself being one of them, felt that emotional maturity was an overriding factor and we did feel that anyone under 13 (an arbitrary age we chose) did not have the maturity to engage in a physical relationship. And we also said that there are 15 and 16 yr olds that don’t have the necessary maturity. Our minority opinion was primarily based on maturity level and the seriousness of the relationship the child was in. As we took the minority view, my friend and I both felt that teenagers involved in a serious relationship should be allowed to have some privacy with their partner, where they could feel free to have intimate time together. The other 3 women felt that this would be encouraging our children to have sex, however we believed that we were not encouraging it but only accepting it and hoping our children would learn to have sexually healthy attitudes as they grew into adulthood. With my 2 daughters, 17 and 15 who are both in committed relationships, I allow them privacy and do allow occasional sleepovers with their partners, and yes same room and same bed. Is this encouraging my daughters to have sex? I don’t think so, they have already made that decision on their own. I feel it is accepting the fact that they are in physical relationships and dealing with it in a practical safe and healthy manner.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Ewwwww Please Don't Call Me "Permissive"
I just hate when people call me a "permissive" parent. To me that word connotates that all things go and that I am an uncaring parent who lets my kids do what they want when they want. It's true, I don't like rules and never have. To me most rules are barriers that inhibit curiosity, exploration, education, and independent thinking. I believe that establishing guidelines for children, having open and strong communication, and setting high expectations is much more effective than establishing arbitray rules. It's important that children know and understand the core values of the family, and these core values become the basis for the guidelines that are set. The core values in my family are:
1. Safety in all aspects of life is important; this can be anything from staying away from drugs, no drinking and driving, practicing safe sex, or not running into the street blindfolded.
2. Respect for yourself and others; Treat everyone with respect, you don't have to like a person but you must always respect them as individuals. Treat yourself with respect, this means both your body and mind.
3. Honesty with everyone including yourself; Dishonesty and lying only causes bigger problems, be true to yourself, your friends and family. The hurt caused by lying is much deeper than the hurt that comes from the action being lied about.
4. Work hard in everything you do; whether it be at school, work, an outside activity or a group event. I have long told my girls that I am prouder of them when they work their hardest and get a C in a class than a class they get an A in where they don't have to work hard. Success in llife will come faster for the overachievers faster than the brainiacs.
I have always believed that if I live my life according to these core values and stress these values to my children, the major decisions in their life will be the correct ones. Or at least I hope so. And no, i'm not perfect and I am not always batting 100% in following my core values but they are the foundation with which I try to live my life and hopefully these are passed on to my daughters. Sure my daughters are not perfect either but at least they have a foundation which they try to follow most of the time.
So no, I definitely don't consider myself a "permissive" parent, but I am understanding, practical and loving. I am involved with both my girls school work, all of their activities, their friends and our lines of communication are open and strong. Call me what you want, call me liberal, call me open minded but please don't call me "permissive." End of my rant
1. Safety in all aspects of life is important; this can be anything from staying away from drugs, no drinking and driving, practicing safe sex, or not running into the street blindfolded.
2. Respect for yourself and others; Treat everyone with respect, you don't have to like a person but you must always respect them as individuals. Treat yourself with respect, this means both your body and mind.
3. Honesty with everyone including yourself; Dishonesty and lying only causes bigger problems, be true to yourself, your friends and family. The hurt caused by lying is much deeper than the hurt that comes from the action being lied about.
4. Work hard in everything you do; whether it be at school, work, an outside activity or a group event. I have long told my girls that I am prouder of them when they work their hardest and get a C in a class than a class they get an A in where they don't have to work hard. Success in llife will come faster for the overachievers faster than the brainiacs.
I have always believed that if I live my life according to these core values and stress these values to my children, the major decisions in their life will be the correct ones. Or at least I hope so. And no, i'm not perfect and I am not always batting 100% in following my core values but they are the foundation with which I try to live my life and hopefully these are passed on to my daughters. Sure my daughters are not perfect either but at least they have a foundation which they try to follow most of the time.
So no, I definitely don't consider myself a "permissive" parent, but I am understanding, practical and loving. I am involved with both my girls school work, all of their activities, their friends and our lines of communication are open and strong. Call me what you want, call me liberal, call me open minded but please don't call me "permissive." End of my rant
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thoughts From a Sex Positive Mom
My Oldest Daughter Allison 17 Yrs old
I'm a 38 year old divorced Mom who strongly believes in Sex Positive Parenting. Now before everyone makes alot of assumptions, being sex positive does not mean I encourage my children to have sex nor does it mean I am a proponent of one night stands or casual sex. However below are my thoughts on rasing children to have a positive outlook on sex.
My Family: I have two daughters 17 and 15, who are wonderful loving and intelligent young women who I am very proud of. How I have raised sexually positive children.
Sex Positive Parenting: This means that I do not want my children to grow up thinking that sex is bad or that there is a stigma about sexual activitiy. Since my children were little, I always used the appropriate names when discussing sex and body parts. I have always wanted my children to be able to learn and explore their sexuality at their own speed and not at any predetermined ages.
When my oldest daughter was 10 she came across my vibarator in my dresser drawer. When asking me what it was I explained to her that it was a toy that I used to make me feel good at times. This led to a basic age appropriate discussion of masturbation which at the time she felt sounded "yucky" however I explained to her that as she grew older she would understand more and that she could ask me more questions whenever she wanted to. And believe me she did.
From the time both my girls were 9 or 10 we have had talks about the birds and the bees, how women get pregnant and diseases. These talks just evolved based on their level of interest and attention span and what I thought they could handle at the various ages. Never have I told them that sex was bad or wrong but I've always stressed sex is a wonderful experience if your partner is someone you care about and if you are practicing safe sex.
Although Allison had all the normal crushes when she was young and it was the "boyfriend of the week" in the early years, when she turned 13 she asked me if she could go to a movie with a boy. Her first real date! She came home from the date and it was obvious she had her first real crush. This was the beginning of Alli's journey into womanhood. This one date led to another date the next weekend just going to Applebee's, with his mom and sister sitting at the next table. And then there were the phone calls and the Instant Messages between the two and he'd come over here and they'd just hang out and watch TV. Although in the beginning their romance just involved holding hands and some kissing, it was obvious that they liked each other and did get along well. He was a very nice smart and polite boy, although still appeared to be a shy 13 yr old. He would come over on weekends and stay for dinner and then theyd stay here and listen to music and watch tv. It was interesting seeing this young relationship develop and although I did not ecourage the relationship, I'd talk to Alli about how important it was to still maintain her girlfriends and other activities. I wanted her to learn balance in her life. During the early stages of their dating there was always supervision when he was at our house or Alli at his house. Although I'm sexually positivie I didn't want to give them opportunities to take their relationship to the next level especially with them both being only 13.
As they continued dating and spending more time together, Alli and I had long talks about safe sex and how I didn't want her to rush into anything just because she may have those teenage urges. She alwas assured me that they were fine. I did have her on birth control at the time due to her irregular periods so that did make me a little more comfortable, but I also knew that they had very little unsupervised time together. About two weeks before her 14th birthday, Alli and I were sitting at the breakfast table and after some hesitation she blurts out that her and her bf almost had sex the night before. They had walked to the nearby park and apparently their kissing and hand holding had escalated to the point that they were involved in a full blown makeout session. According to Alli, the only thing that stopped them from going all the way was his inability to maintain an erection. As I sat their listening to her, trying to say to myself, "don't overreact" all sorts of sad thoughts were going through my progressive mind. It's alot easier to be sex positive in theory than it is when it actually happens. As I gupled my coffee and lit another cigarette, i asked her if she really cared about Matt. Well obvously they had been dating almost 6 months by this time so she said she loved him ( probably as much as any almost 14 yr old could love someone). So we talked and we talked again about safe sex, about pregnancy, diseases and emotional readiness. Emotionally I didn't think she was ready for this step in their relationship and i let her know my thoughts. I also did tell her that when she did have sex for the first time, it should be special and with someone special and I didn't want her to look back later and regret it. She said she'd think about everything we talked about and I told her that I would make sure there were condoms in the bathroom drawer if they ever did decide to do it. Looking back on our talk it was one of those moments where you start realizing that your baby is becoming a young woman. After some tears and hugs our talk ended with Alli saying Mom I love you thanks for being here for me. Later that day I bought some condoms and did put them in the bathroom drawer without saying a word. Over the next few weeks I'd periodically check to see if the condom supply had diminished and it hadn't. Then one Sunday morning I got up and there she was sitting at the kitchen table with her coffee and she said mom guess what? She went on to tell me that yes they had intercourse the night before. And they did use a condom and she said it was "awesome" her words. Now remembering back when i was that age I dont think my first time was "awesome" however at least to Alli it was. So we talked about it, or at least she talked about it and I listened. She had just turned 14 by this time and they had now dated over six months. We hugged and I told her that although i wasnt going to make it too easy for them to have sex, I would try to give them some private times together in the future. We did talk about how important it was for Matt's mom to know they were sexually active and I suggested both her and Matt have a talk with Matt's mom. (Matt's mom and I had had several conversations about this in the past but I wanted them to be grown up enough that they would go and tell her). So my first born was sexually active, and at 14 she was a little younger than I had hoped she'd be but I'm not sure any age is the right age when it's our daughters were talking about. From that day on, there were times when I'd leave them alone at home unsupervised so that they could have some private times together. By the time she was 15, I allowed Matt to sleep over on weekends or Alli would sleep over at Matt's house on occasion. And now Alli is 17 and her and Matt are still together and in love now more than they've ever been. They both graduate high school next year and plan on going to the same college. And they are both wonderful caring kids that have a healthy sexual attitude and I'm proud of them both. My next Blog maybe I'll write about my youngest daughter Jenny.
I'm a 38 year old divorced Mom who strongly believes in Sex Positive Parenting. Now before everyone makes alot of assumptions, being sex positive does not mean I encourage my children to have sex nor does it mean I am a proponent of one night stands or casual sex. However below are my thoughts on rasing children to have a positive outlook on sex.
My Family: I have two daughters 17 and 15, who are wonderful loving and intelligent young women who I am very proud of. How I have raised sexually positive children.
Sex Positive Parenting: This means that I do not want my children to grow up thinking that sex is bad or that there is a stigma about sexual activitiy. Since my children were little, I always used the appropriate names when discussing sex and body parts. I have always wanted my children to be able to learn and explore their sexuality at their own speed and not at any predetermined ages.
When my oldest daughter was 10 she came across my vibarator in my dresser drawer. When asking me what it was I explained to her that it was a toy that I used to make me feel good at times. This led to a basic age appropriate discussion of masturbation which at the time she felt sounded "yucky" however I explained to her that as she grew older she would understand more and that she could ask me more questions whenever she wanted to. And believe me she did.
From the time both my girls were 9 or 10 we have had talks about the birds and the bees, how women get pregnant and diseases. These talks just evolved based on their level of interest and attention span and what I thought they could handle at the various ages. Never have I told them that sex was bad or wrong but I've always stressed sex is a wonderful experience if your partner is someone you care about and if you are practicing safe sex.
Although Allison had all the normal crushes when she was young and it was the "boyfriend of the week" in the early years, when she turned 13 she asked me if she could go to a movie with a boy. Her first real date! She came home from the date and it was obvious she had her first real crush. This was the beginning of Alli's journey into womanhood. This one date led to another date the next weekend just going to Applebee's, with his mom and sister sitting at the next table. And then there were the phone calls and the Instant Messages between the two and he'd come over here and they'd just hang out and watch TV. Although in the beginning their romance just involved holding hands and some kissing, it was obvious that they liked each other and did get along well. He was a very nice smart and polite boy, although still appeared to be a shy 13 yr old. He would come over on weekends and stay for dinner and then theyd stay here and listen to music and watch tv. It was interesting seeing this young relationship develop and although I did not ecourage the relationship, I'd talk to Alli about how important it was to still maintain her girlfriends and other activities. I wanted her to learn balance in her life. During the early stages of their dating there was always supervision when he was at our house or Alli at his house. Although I'm sexually positivie I didn't want to give them opportunities to take their relationship to the next level especially with them both being only 13.
As they continued dating and spending more time together, Alli and I had long talks about safe sex and how I didn't want her to rush into anything just because she may have those teenage urges. She alwas assured me that they were fine. I did have her on birth control at the time due to her irregular periods so that did make me a little more comfortable, but I also knew that they had very little unsupervised time together. About two weeks before her 14th birthday, Alli and I were sitting at the breakfast table and after some hesitation she blurts out that her and her bf almost had sex the night before. They had walked to the nearby park and apparently their kissing and hand holding had escalated to the point that they were involved in a full blown makeout session. According to Alli, the only thing that stopped them from going all the way was his inability to maintain an erection. As I sat their listening to her, trying to say to myself, "don't overreact" all sorts of sad thoughts were going through my progressive mind. It's alot easier to be sex positive in theory than it is when it actually happens. As I gupled my coffee and lit another cigarette, i asked her if she really cared about Matt. Well obvously they had been dating almost 6 months by this time so she said she loved him ( probably as much as any almost 14 yr old could love someone). So we talked and we talked again about safe sex, about pregnancy, diseases and emotional readiness. Emotionally I didn't think she was ready for this step in their relationship and i let her know my thoughts. I also did tell her that when she did have sex for the first time, it should be special and with someone special and I didn't want her to look back later and regret it. She said she'd think about everything we talked about and I told her that I would make sure there were condoms in the bathroom drawer if they ever did decide to do it. Looking back on our talk it was one of those moments where you start realizing that your baby is becoming a young woman. After some tears and hugs our talk ended with Alli saying Mom I love you thanks for being here for me. Later that day I bought some condoms and did put them in the bathroom drawer without saying a word. Over the next few weeks I'd periodically check to see if the condom supply had diminished and it hadn't. Then one Sunday morning I got up and there she was sitting at the kitchen table with her coffee and she said mom guess what? She went on to tell me that yes they had intercourse the night before. And they did use a condom and she said it was "awesome" her words. Now remembering back when i was that age I dont think my first time was "awesome" however at least to Alli it was. So we talked about it, or at least she talked about it and I listened. She had just turned 14 by this time and they had now dated over six months. We hugged and I told her that although i wasnt going to make it too easy for them to have sex, I would try to give them some private times together in the future. We did talk about how important it was for Matt's mom to know they were sexually active and I suggested both her and Matt have a talk with Matt's mom. (Matt's mom and I had had several conversations about this in the past but I wanted them to be grown up enough that they would go and tell her). So my first born was sexually active, and at 14 she was a little younger than I had hoped she'd be but I'm not sure any age is the right age when it's our daughters were talking about. From that day on, there were times when I'd leave them alone at home unsupervised so that they could have some private times together. By the time she was 15, I allowed Matt to sleep over on weekends or Alli would sleep over at Matt's house on occasion. And now Alli is 17 and her and Matt are still together and in love now more than they've ever been. They both graduate high school next year and plan on going to the same college. And they are both wonderful caring kids that have a healthy sexual attitude and I'm proud of them both. My next Blog maybe I'll write about my youngest daughter Jenny.
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