Thoughts From a Sex Positive Mom

My Oldest Daughter Allison 17 Yrs old

I'm a 38 year old divorced Mom who strongly believes in Sex Positive Parenting. Now before everyone makes alot of assumptions, being sex positive does not mean I encourage my children to have sex nor does it mean I am a proponent of one night stands or casual sex. However below are my thoughts on rasing children to have a positive outlook on sex.

My Family: I have two daughters 17 and 15, who are wonderful loving and intelligent young women who I am very proud of. How I have raised sexually positive children.

Sex Positive Parenting: This means that I do not want my children to grow up thinking that sex is bad or that there is a stigma about sexual activitiy. Since my children were little, I always used the appropriate names when discussing sex and body parts. I have always wanted my children to be able to learn and explore their sexuality at their own speed and not at any predetermined ages.

When my oldest daughter was 10 she came across my vibarator in my dresser drawer. When asking me what it was I explained to her that it was a toy that I used to make me feel good at times. This led to a basic age appropriate discussion of masturbation which at the time she felt sounded "yucky" however I explained to her that as she grew older she would understand more and that she could ask me more questions whenever she wanted to. And believe me she did.

From the time both my girls were 9 or 10 we have had talks about the birds and the bees, how women get pregnant and diseases. These talks just evolved based on their level of interest and attention span and what I thought they could handle at the various ages. Never have I told them that sex was bad or wrong but I've always stressed sex is a wonderful experience if your partner is someone you care about and if you are practicing safe sex.

Although Allison had all the normal crushes when she was young and it was the "boyfriend of the week" in the early years, when she turned 13 she asked me if she could go to a movie with a boy. Her first real date! She came home from the date and it was obvious she had her first real crush. This was the beginning of Alli's journey into womanhood. This one date led to another date the next weekend just going to Applebee's, with his mom and sister sitting at the next table. And then there were the phone calls and the Instant Messages between the two and he'd come over here and they'd just hang out and watch TV. Although in the beginning their romance just involved holding hands and some kissing, it was obvious that they liked each other and did get along well. He was a very nice smart and polite boy, although still appeared to be a shy 13 yr old. He would come over on weekends and stay for dinner and then theyd stay here and listen to music and watch tv. It was interesting seeing this young relationship develop and although I did not ecourage the relationship, I'd talk to Alli about how important it was to still maintain her girlfriends and other activities. I wanted her to learn balance in her life. During the early stages of their dating there was always supervision when he was at our house or Alli at his house. Although I'm sexually positivie I didn't want to give them opportunities to take their relationship to the next level especially with them both being only 13.

As they continued dating and spending more time together, Alli and I had long talks about safe sex and how I didn't want her to rush into anything just because she may have those teenage urges. She alwas assured me that they were fine. I did have her on birth control at the time due to her irregular periods so that did make me a little more comfortable, but I also knew that they had very little unsupervised time together. About two weeks before her 14th birthday, Alli and I were sitting at the breakfast table and after some hesitation she blurts out that her and her bf almost had sex the night before. They had walked to the nearby park and apparently their kissing and hand holding had escalated to the point that they were involved in a full blown makeout session. According to Alli, the only thing that stopped them from going all the way was his inability to maintain an erection. As I sat their listening to her, trying to say to myself, "don't overreact" all sorts of sad thoughts were going through my progressive mind. It's alot easier to be sex positive in theory than it is when it actually happens. As I gupled my coffee and lit another cigarette, i asked her if she really cared about Matt. Well obvously they had been dating almost 6 months by this time so she said she loved him ( probably as much as any almost 14 yr old could love someone). So we talked and we talked again about safe sex, about pregnancy, diseases and emotional readiness. Emotionally I didn't think she was ready for this step in their relationship and i let her know my thoughts. I also did tell her that when she did have sex for the first time, it should be special and with someone special and I didn't want her to look back later and regret it. She said she'd think about everything we talked about and I told her that I would make sure there were condoms in the bathroom drawer if they ever did decide to do it. Looking back on our talk it was one of those moments where you start realizing that your baby is becoming a young woman. After some tears and hugs our talk ended with Alli saying Mom I love you thanks for being here for me. Later that day I bought some condoms and did put them in the bathroom drawer without saying a word. Over the next few weeks I'd periodically check to see if the condom supply had diminished and it hadn't. Then one Sunday morning I got up and there she was sitting at the kitchen table with her coffee and she said mom guess what? She went on to tell me that yes they had intercourse the night before. And they did use a condom and she said it was "awesome" her words. Now remembering back when i was that age I dont think my first time was "awesome" however at least to Alli it was. So we talked about it, or at least she talked about it and I listened. She had just turned 14 by this time and they had now dated over six months. We hugged and I told her that although i wasnt going to make it too easy for them to have sex, I would try to give them some private times together in the future. We did talk about how important it was for Matt's mom to know they were sexually active and I suggested both her and Matt have a talk with Matt's mom. (Matt's mom and I had had several conversations about this in the past but I wanted them to be grown up enough that they would go and tell her). So my first born was sexually active, and at 14 she was a little younger than I had hoped she'd be but I'm not sure any age is the right age when it's our daughters were talking about. From that day on, there were times when I'd leave them alone at home unsupervised so that they could have some private times together. By the time she was 15, I allowed Matt to sleep over on weekends or Alli would sleep over at Matt's house on occasion. And now Alli is 17 and her and Matt are still together and in love now more than they've ever been. They both graduate high school next year and plan on going to the same college. And they are both wonderful caring kids that have a healthy sexual attitude and I'm proud of them both. My next Blog maybe I'll write about my youngest daughter Jenny.